LIFE LESSONS
200 Days Sober: Embracing New Habits and Unraveling Myself
Life goes on…
I am 200 days sober, intentionally, and that’s what matters so much. I have gone years without drinking in the past, maybe picked up a drink here and there and that was it.
But my drinking started to get worse from late 2019 up until last year. So, though it might not seem much, it is a significant achievement for me. And I have learned quite a few things about myself in these past 200 days.
Turns out, I have been escaping life in some form or another for a long time. It became clear when I set an intention to quit drinking and take stock of my life up until now. I am 35 and I picked up my first proper drink when I was 17 or so.
But in retrospect, I have always indulged in something or other and tried to numb my inner feelings, like I used to watch a lot of television in those couple of years that I went without alcohol.
I wasn’t doing much study (I was a student back then), I didn’t do anything productive, but mostly read a lot of fiction and binged on television shows and movies.
I never really needed a drink first thing in the morning, nor did I have to intoxicate myself to sleep. I just drank a lot whenever I did and I couldn’t stop until I dropped.
So, it got me to question, what might actually be going on with me. I did go to therapy last year and after the first month of sobriety this year, I started to unravel a lot about myself, bit by bit, in the form of journaling.
I will try to write my discoveries in a more cohesive way than this rambling I am doing, but I want to let this out in a raw form. However, I have become really good at setting habits, and I have instilled three really good ones this year. And none of that would have been possible without me getting sober.
Morning Pages
I read about the morning pages ritual in an article by James Julian, so I started to do that from February 7 onwards. It was really difficult at the beginning, writing 3 pages of whatever came to my mind first thing in the morning.
I literally wrote “What the fuck am I even doing” quite a few times, and on a few occasions, I tore off a few pages in frustration. But I kept going with the practice for 90 days and now I can’t even function without doing it first thing in the morning. So, I thought if I can do this boring thing for 90 days then maybe I can try out something else with this momentum.
This led me to study a bit about setting new habits and I read a couple of books on habit building. Yes, the ones that popped into your head. I did let myself have a break in between and started with my next habit.
Meditation
I am practicing vipassana meditation as mentioned in the book Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach. I am about 60 days into this practice and I am getting better every day. I am learning new techniques every day and I have been studying a lot about meditation in general, following up on sacred Indian texts. I will write about them in the future.
And while setting these two habits, it somehow has become easier for me to pick whatever is good for me and I am getting better at sticking to these things. Had I still been drinking, I would have quit mid-way and picked up a drink, and said, “To hell with this meaningless existence.”
In conclusion, I must state that life is still challenging; I have bad days. However, I am quite happy that I am present in my life and that I am facing my demons and at least acknowledging that they exist. Thank you for reading.
